"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month. "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
Law reading a list of metadata collections using oledb of the Yukon: Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
QOTD: "The only real difference between men and women is that men are crabby all month long."
America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, and the scum rises to the top. -- Utah Phillips
Worm Mayor: One day you'll be eating a fast-food burger and BOOM, you'll be crawling with us again. Ever wonder what makes special sauce so special? Yo.
"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be replaced by tasteful movinghelponline foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!"
The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full account of the wedding night's progress. "It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.' And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
"We have struggled to not proceed, but to precede to the future of a nation's child." George W. Bush sql server worldwide user group help center (sql server, oracle, db2, xml) November 12, 2000 Quoted in the Journal Gazette.
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8 THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986) The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable (if sometimes fatal) lesson. THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987) The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family.
"Breakfast sometime?" "Sure." "Shall I call you or just nudge you?"
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth Whose virtue was largely a myth, "Try as hard addison wesley professional as I can, I can't find a man That it's fun to be virtuous with."
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6 You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as his daughter. Your next move is to: (a) Ask for her hand in marriage. (b) Pass out and hope for sympathy. (c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the daughter and get her number. (d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room.
Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a good time is a game of Snakes jdbc downloads and specifications and Ladders with greased rungs.
C:\WINDOWS\RUN C:\WINDOWS\CRASH C:\ME\FDISK /usr/src/linux sourceforge.net: exiting with error -- From a Slashdot.org post
A Linux machine! because a 486 is a terrible thing to waste! (By jjs@wintermute.ucr.edu, Joe Sloan)
articles, links - sql server, oracle, db2, xml Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. -- John F. Kennedy
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Amy: "Way to go, Professor, the plan worked." Mom: "Plan? What plan? I thought this was a spontaneous whirlwind of hot dry sex."
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. -- W. C. Fields
Insulting a person's intelligence: You must be an experiment javahispano in Artificial Stupidity...
free program (source code) checkers, debuggers and bug trackers (thefreecountry.com) Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup).
God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. -- Kronecker
Die Dummheit der Menschen und das Weltall sind unendlich, wobei ich mir beim Weltall nicht sicher bin. -- Albert Einstein
"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away". -- Philip K. Dick
HAL Institute for Criminally Insane Robots
"I'm dbtools software - welcome to dbtools software gonna be a famous hero just like Neil Armstrong and those other brave guys no one ever heard of." -Fry
Double your disk space - delete Windows! -- Albert Dorofeev
Er ist ebenso dumm, wie er ehrlich ist. Und er ist der ehrlichste Mensch, den ich jemals gesehen habe. -- Kurt Tucholsky
Don't go surfing in South Dakota migrating from microsoft access to mysql for a while.
A tired young trollop of Nome Was worn out from her toes to her dome. Eight miners came screwing, But she said, "Nothing doing; One of you has to go home!"
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. -- Don Quinn
Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years. -- Tallulah Bankhead
"Nobody needs to tell me what I believe. But I do need somebody to tell me where Kosovo is." George W. Bush August 25, 1999 Quoted in Talk.
Every free php scripts (thefreecountry.com) suicide is a solution to a problem. -- Jean Baechler
It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off the ground. -- Daniel B. Luten
It's not pretty being easy.
And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the world. -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
Auch ein blinder Trinker findet mal einen Korn.
Nicht zu bekommen, was man will, ist manchmal ein grosser Gluecksfall. -- XIV. internet Dalai Lama
I've built a better model than the one at Data General For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral I've built a better model than the one at Data General. -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", by Gilbert & Sullivan)
Better the prince of some inferior court, Than second, or less, in beatific light. -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer"
Linux. When you want to get there today! -- Jeremy Hinegardner
... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist. thesitewizard.com: website design, promotion, cgi, php, javascript scripting, and revenue earning. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his neck. -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
Trübsal ist nicht alles, was man blasen kann.
An artist who lived in Australia Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. The drawing was fine, The colour - devine, The scent - ah, that was a failia.
Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that... -- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there. -- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out with an ice pick. -- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies. -- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!" -- they were the birth control poster child. -- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother. -- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to get the puppy to play with them. -- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink!
Every improvement in communication makes the forums bore more terrible. -- Frank Moore Colby
Do what comes naturally. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Crush! Kill! Destroy!
Fakir, n: A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to have shinnied up a experts-exchange rope and vanished.
Operators mount anything!
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is probably parked.
After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically rummaging through a dresser drawer. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
Fry: That's it! You can only take my money for so long before you take it all and I say enough!
When Computers Crash HOLLYWOOD -- The FOX TV Network has announced a new series of "reality shows" to be aired over the summer. The series, "When Computers Crash", will consist of five hour-long shows documenting the aftermath of serious computer crashes, failures, and other problems. This show comes on the heels of other FOX reality shows such as "World's Funniest Antitrust Trial Bloopers", "When Stupid TV Network Executives Create Bad Show Ideas", and "When Lame Fortune Files Poke Fun At FOX Reality Shows"... To coincide with the series, FOX will sponsor a publicity gimmick called "Crash & Win!" Contest participants will download a free Windows 9x/NT program that keeps community track of the number of Blue Screens, Illegal Operations, or other fatal errors that force a reboot. When a crash occurs, the program will log it in an encrypted database, which will be periodically uploaded to the "FOX Crash & Win!" server. Prizes such as a "Deciphering Windows Error Messages for Dummies" book, a 1999 Ford "Gasguzzler" Sport Utility Vehicle, or a lifetime supply of stress relief medication will be awarded to participants based on the number of crashes they log.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. -- Phil White
Celebrate forums Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads? A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
Fry: I must be a robot. Why else would human women refuse to date me? Leela: Oh, lots of reasons.
A young wife in the outskirts of Reims Preferred frigging to going to mass. Said her husband, "Take Jacques, Or any young cock, For I cannot live up to your ass."
/earth is 98% full ... please delete free pascal compilers, free delphi compilers (thefreecountry.com) anyone you can.
Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
Die dunkelste Kneipe ist besser als search der hellste Arbeitsplatz.
"There's not going to be enough people in the system to take advantage of people like me." George W. Bush June 9, 2000 Referring to a possible Social Security crisis. Wilton, Connecticut.
One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely topical articles, news and juicy gossip (thefreecountry.com) uneven writer, but when He's good, nobody can touch Him. -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983
100 buckets of bits on the bus 100 buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits on the bus FF buckets of bits Take one down, short it to ground FE buckets of bits on the bus ad infinitum...
Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" (from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!" Pro: "Ummm, well, where?" Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes." Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat."
MS-DOS didn't get linuxdevices.com influential executives interview series as bad as it is overnight -- it took over ten years of careful development
You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and then somehow get her clothes back on her. Finally, so removing variable length row indicators she will allow you to leave her, you've got to annoy her. -- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38"
A lusty young maid from Seattle Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; Till she found a bull Who filled her so full It made both her ovaries rattle.
Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine windows, linux grapple in great gadget smack-down! is almost as rare as pure acid or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to call a doctor. "There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not much hope." Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?" "George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die."
Operators mount anything!
Robert Tappen Morris, Jr., got six months in jail for crashing 10% of the computers that Bill Gates made $100 million crashing last weekend.
"I support current efforts to make Amtrak more efficient and competitive. I believe these efforts will result in better, more extensive and more reliant rail service for the millions of American who travel by train." George W. Bush September 17, 2000 Quoted by the Associated Press.
If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! -- Samuel Goldwyn
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent your event > view > summaries flaunting of your power. You lack confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible things to small animals.
A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car. "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off." "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly. "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker. So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right, I did what you wanted, can I go now?" "Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again." "Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it." "Do it again." It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again. Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave. "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more time." The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time. "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?" articles & white papers about linux in embedded applications ... "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter; I want you to drive her into Salerno."
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
It's a bitch being butch.
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
"He is now freshlinks rising from affluence to poverty." -- Mark Twain
A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs.
Mandrell: "You know what I think?" Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you don't think, right?" -- Dr. Who
Einsamer (22) sucht Einsame (18-35) zum Einsamen. -- Anzeige
Linux; a re-Gnu-able resource. -- Gareth Barnard
LEO (Jul. 23 - Aug. 22) You consider yourself a born leader. removing variable length row indicators Others think you are pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieves.
(1) Never give anything away for nothing. (2) Never give more than you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). (3) Always take back everything if you possibly can. -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing
"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C db2 universal database multiple vulnerabilities programs." -- Robert Firth
God is Dead -- Nietzsche Nietzsche is Dead -- God Nietzsche is God -- The Dead
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot."
A wanton young lady from Wimley Reproached for not acting quite primly Said, "Heavens above! I know sex isn't love, But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
Brief History Of Linux (#5) English Flame War The idea behind Slashdot-style discussions is not new; it dates back to London in 1699. A newspaper that regularly printed Letters To The Editor sparked a heated debate over the question, "When would the 18th Century actually begin, 1700 or 1701?" The controversy quickly became a matter of pride; learned aristocrats argued for the correct date, 1701, while others maintained that it was really 1700. Another sizable third of participants asked, "Who cares?" Ordinarily such a trivial matter would have died down, except that one 1700er, fed up with the snobbest 1701 rhetoric of the educated oci - products - development class, tracked down one letter-writer and hurled a flaming log into his manor house in spite. The resulting fire was quickly doused, but the practice known as the "flame war" had been born. More flames were exchanged between other 1700ers and 1701ers for several days, until the Monarch sent out royal troops to end the flamage.
"Listen, Al Gore is a very tough opponent. He is the incumbent. He represents the incumbency. And a challenger is somebody who generally comes from the pack and wins, if you're going to win. And that's where I'm coming from." George W. Bush September 7, 2000 From comments made in Detroit, Michigan.
For a good time, call 555-9484. Ask for Cathy.
First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
Are Women Human? In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one vote.
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean dba that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.
Hear about... the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home for some money?
Wer im Glashaus sitzt, sollte immer Sidolin dabei haben!
Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to.
Baltimore: wisdomforce A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to use the editorial "we."
Regular Matter, Dark Matter, Wassa Matter
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #18 Sexual frequency: The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every morning, or maybe both if he's under 25. The average woman would like to have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month. Shopping: It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men. Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition. He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to relax.
"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." oracle -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234
After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond, attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good. "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes. "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl like you doing in a hotel like this?" "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
Professor: "Oh, vanity, thy name is Professor Farnsworth."
Der schönste Platz ist unter der Theke.
A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. -- Donald A. Metz
Entropy php tutorial: writing your first php script: a feedback form (a formmail script) (thesitewizard.com) isn't what it used to be.
Justice is incidental to law and order. -- J. Edgar Hoover
Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try. -- John Lennon, "Imagine"
"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor."
I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is a child websphere for z/os v5 connectivity handbook who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up. -- Will Rogers
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
Malek's Law: Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
He: Am I... am I your first? She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
Like private parts to the Gods are we, they play with us for their sport. -- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2)