No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck. But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification in the afternoons. -- Salvador Dali

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on theacolyte society. -- Mark Twain

May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!

A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float to the top.

"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." -- Will Rogers

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Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to bite exportfile a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs.

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Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead.

"The dynamics of inter-being and mono logical imperatives in Dick and Jane : A study in psychic transrelational gender modes". Academia, here I come. -- Calvin

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"But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I explained yet about the bytes?"

Das beliebteste Haustier der Deutschen ist und bleibt das halbe Hähnchen.

A hearty young fellow named Yost Once had an affair with a ghost. At the height of the spasm The poor ectoplasm Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost."

A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar. Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she claimsprospector asked. "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"

Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.

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I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce. -- J. Edgar Hoover

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Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.

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"Wow, so this is a real TV station, huh." -Fry "Well, it's a Fox affiliate." -TV worker guy "What are you showing right now?" -Fry "'Single Female Lawyer.' It's the season finale. Wanna watch?" -TV worker guy "I dunno. That's a chick show. I prefer programs of the genre, World's Blankiest Blank." -Fry "She is wearing the world's shortiest skirt." -TV worker guy "I'm in." -Fry

In the end, everything jnb-june is a gag. -- Charlie Chaplin

oral sex, n.: The taste of things to come.

The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward. They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity. One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?" Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said, "You must mean _faux_pas_." "The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass." Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner table. Remember all that, Ed?" "Yeh." "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered, 'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?" "Yeh." "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_."

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. -- Ronald Reagan

But these pills can't be habit forming; I've been taking them for years.

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OPPRESSED GEEK: Everybody keeps blaming me for the Y2K problem, the Melissa Virus, Windows crashes... you name it. When somebody finds out you're a bona fide geek, they start bugging you about computer problems. I frequently hear things like, "Why can't you geeks make Windows work right?", "What kind of idiot writes a program that can't handle the year 2000?", "Geeks are evil, all they do is write viruses", and "The Internet is the spawn of Satan". I'm afraid to admit I have extensive computing experience. When somebody asks what kind of job I have, I always lie. From my experience, admitting that you're a geek is an invitation to disaster. LARRY WALL: I know, I know. I sometimes say that I'm the founder of a pearl harvesting company instead of admitting that I'm the founder of the Perl programming language. ERIC S. RAYMOND: This is tragic. We can't live in a world like this. We need your donations to fight social oppression and ignorance against geekdom... -- Excerpt from the Geek Grok '99 telethon

I've finally found the perfect girl, I couldn't ask for more, She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed, And owns a liquor store.

ZAPHOD Hey, this rock... FORD Marble... ZAPHOD Marble... FORD Ice-covered marble... ZAPHOD Right... it's as contact us slippery as... as... What's the slipperiest thing you can think of? FORD At the moment? This marble. ZAPHOD Right. This marble is as slippery as this marble. - Zaphod and Ford trying to get a grip on things in Brontitall, Fit the Tenth.

In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own incompetency -- The Peter Principle

Cat, n.: Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer.

Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. -- Bellamy Brooks

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Chicken Soup, n.: An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"

So, if there's no God, who changes the water? -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl

"But the important thing is persistence." -Calvin trying to juggle eggs

Corrupt, adj.: In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.

The broad mass of a nation... will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one. infogoal -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"

Windows: It's not pretty. It's not ugly. But it's pretty ugly.

One difference between a man and jnb-oct a machine is that a machine is quiet when well oiled.

Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home, your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous? Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident? Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman. -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement

A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled, "Hi, honey, I'm home." There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about 8. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when I get home." Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said. He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!"

Confucious say: modern house en without toilet uncanny.

It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted ... -- Douglas Admas "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The Galaxy"

It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that "nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in. The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention the apparent miracle. A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes later came back. By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything they could do, with God's help, he could do as well. The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the lake. While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the rocks are?"

District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape injury, and then strike sastools the car as they come down, are liable for any damage inflicted on the vehicle.

"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."

"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate

Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. -- Germaine Greer

New Linux Companies Hope To Get Rich Quick (#2) Don't throw out that old Red Hat Linux 3.0 CD. A group of entrepreneurs are hording vintage Linux items in the hopes that they will become hot collector's items in the coming decades. The venture, called "Money Grows On Binary Trees", hopes to amass a warehouse full of old Linux distributions, books, stuffed penguins, promotional material, and Linus Torvalds autographs. "Nobody thought pieces of cardstock featuring baseball players would be worth anything..." the founder of Binary Trees said. "That 'Linux For Dummies' book sitting in your trash could be the next Babe Ruth card." The company organized a Linux Collectibles Convention last week in Silicon Valley, drawing in a respectable crowd of 1,500 people and 20 exhibitors. The big attraction was a "Windows For Dummies" book actually signed by Linus Torvalds. "He signed it back at a small Linux conference in '95," the owner explained. "He didn't realize it was a Dummies book because I had placed an O'Reilly cover on it... Somebody at the convention offered me $10,000 for it, but that seemed metalssiding awfully low. I hope to sell it on eBay next month with a reserve price containing a significant number of zeros."

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A lecherous barkeep named Dale, After fucking his favorite female, Mixed Drambuie and scotch With the cream in her crotch For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail.

So far as I can programacion remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. -- Bertrand Russell

All language designers are arrogant. Goes with the territory... :-) -- Larry Wall in <1991Jul13.010945.19157@netlabs.com

Microsoft does have a Y2K problem... it's called Linux!

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? -- Art Hoppe

Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb. I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke them again -- and this time we'd use it. -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the White House's National Security Council, Washington stereoagent Post, 21 March, 1982

God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment. Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one. -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"

How doth the little crocodile Improve his shining tail, And pour the waters of the Nile On every golden scale! How cheerfully he seems to grin, How neatly spreads his claws, And welcomes little fishes in, With gently smiling jaws! -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"

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A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. -- Alfred E. Wiggam

Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as "Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that free security, privacy and anonymity resources (thefreecountry.com) really mean, "Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a dead bat? Answer: Yes. -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"

All great truths begin as blasphemies. -- George Bernard Shaw

Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!

If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape at about 30 miles/second. -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming

Crinklaw's Observation: Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed, marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.

Leela: "There it is, the near-death star."

Confucious say: woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.

"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." Having been on USENET for going wisdomforce on ten years, I disagree with this. The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. -- Chuq Von Rospach

Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to look at the other mainframe extra: the resilient db2 guy's. -- Hal Hickman

Male, n.: Life support system for a cock.

A lovely young maid from St. Jude Once rode through the streets in the nude. The police cried, "Whatam-- Agnificent bottom" And slapped it as hard as they cude.

History, n.: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"

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Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the mirror, admiring her breasts. "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked. "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a twenty-five-year-old." "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old ass?" "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."

Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Finagle's Third Law: In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake Corollaries: (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really don't want to hear, will see it immediately.

Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain of being a damned fool. sql server worldwide user group help center (sql server, oracle, db2, xml) -- Bellamy Brooks

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up every bird watcher in the country. -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972

One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as many ... -- Anthony Chevins

At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's NOT my rectum!" "Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!" Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands. free webmaster resources (thefreecountry.com) "I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies. "Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have numbers on it!"

HAL 9000: Dave. Put down those Windows disks, Dave. DAVE!

THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: (1) Where's the bathroom? (2) What time does the parade start? (3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?

God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.

"Yes, it's the right planet, all right, " he said again. "Right planet, wrong universe. "

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They ought to make butt-flavored cat food. -- Gallagher

Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. -- R. Geis

"I heard one time you single-handedly defeated a hoard of rampaging of somethings in the something something system." -Fry

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic. -- Ambrose Bierce

"If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I'm sure I'll have a statement." sleepycat software: download George W. Bush June 16, 1999 As quoted in the New York Times.

Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.

Linux: Fast Pane Relief -- From a Slashdot.org post

Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: PI Punch Invalid POPI Punch Operator Immediately PVLC Punch Variable Length Card RASC Read And Shred Card RPM Read Programmers Mind RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) RTAB Rewind tape and break RWDSK rewind disk RWOC Read Writing On Card SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write SLC Search for Lost Chord SPSW Scramble Program Status Word SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk STROM Store in Read Only Memory TDB Transfer and Drop Bit WBT Water Binary Tree

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optimist, n.: A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently... Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis, isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong. It's swell to have a Stiffy, it's divine to have a Dick, from the tinyest little Tadger, to the world's greatest Prick. So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas, Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake. Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend, your Porky or your Cock, you can wrap it up in ribbons, you can stick it in your sock! But, don't take it out in public, or they will stick you in the dock, and you won't come back. -- Monty Python, from "The Meaning of Life"

Don't oci - education & training look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.

If sex is a pain in the ass, you may single board computer (sbc) quick reference guide be doing it wrong.

Professor: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it.

Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. -- Bo Diddley

Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.

A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the hope sql server, oracle and xml articles of greening the landscape of idea. -- John Ciardi

Bender: Life is hilariously cruel.

Tötet keine Vögel! Wir vögeln ja auch keine Toten.

cold, adj.: When jdbc[tm] connector the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.

Bei uns kann jeder werden was er will . ob er will oder nicht.

You will always have good luck in your personal affairs.

Chaste makes waste.

Epperson's law: When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at.

"Nature abhors a Vacuum" -- Brian Behlendorf on OSS (Open Sources, 1999 implementing and managing appc protected conversations O'Reilly and Associates)

Windows 98: New look, same multicrashing.

Machine-Independent, adj.: Does not run on any existing machine.

Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.

Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is repeated until infinity. -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist installing and configuring db2 server Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines, 1973.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx

I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways. -- J.F. Kennedy

Barth's Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.

Molecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion ... -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"

Harvard Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and steamboat other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

"Pages one and two [of Zaphod's presidential speech] had been salvaged by a Damogran Frond Crested Eagle and had already become incorporated into an extraordinary new form of nest which the eagle had invented. It was constructed largely of papier mache and it was virtually impossible for a newly hatched baby eagle to break out of it. The Damogran Frond Crested Eagle had heard of the notion of survival of the species but wanted no truck with it." - An example of Damogran wildlife.

Ein Nickerchen hinterm Lenkrad schützt vorm Älterwerden.

A limerick packs laughs single board computer (sbc) quick reference guide anatomical Into space that is quite economical. But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and great effort pushing boulders into a single word. It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass both Parliament and Party. It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other planets, this may be the first message received from us. -- The Realist, November, 1964.

A petulant man once said, "Pish, Your cunt is as big as a dish." She replied, "Why, you fool, With your limp little tool, It's like driving a pin with a fish."

Bender: "Tell the learning center store the Donbot I'm quitting organized crime. From now on I'll stick to the regular kind."

Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.

"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number." -- James Estes

Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.